We had been waiting for October 16th for what felt like months, even though it was really only weeks. Then all of a sudden it was the night before Kamila's adoption hearing. Brian had gone the day before to Kamila's village to pick up her grandfather and uncle. He brought them back to our town so they could stay the night because we were leaving very early the next morning. Kamila's grandfather is a sweet {very old} man who had told us the week before that he would not come to Kamila's hearing. It is a very long trip for him to make and he is not in good health. He has already made the trip three other times with us for different things concerning her adoption and didn't see why it was necessary for him to come this time. But it was very necessary for him to be at this hearing, like mandatory. So Kamila's other uncle from three hours away traveled with us back into their village to surprise her grandfather and ask him one more time to PLEASE come with us. Praise God he finally agreed this time! 

So the next morning we got the older four kids situated with their sitters, picked up Kamila's grandfather and uncle from their hotel, and started the journey to Arusha where along the way we would also be picking up our friend Joyce {the courts wanted her to testify} and Kamila's other uncle. We actually left on time which was a miracle in itself! 

We had been driving for about an hour and everything was going so smooth. We normally get stopped anywhere from 3-5 times typically by the police when we go to Arusha. It was literally like they were not even seeing us this trip, which is exactly what we had prayed for. Then all of a sudden Kamila {who was sitting on my lap} pointed out the window and said "angel!" I have never heard her say this word before! Then she pointed and said, "Jesus!" Right at that moment a white dove flew right across our front window. {side note.... I have never seen a white dove here. I don't even really know if there are any here. But I am 100% that we saw one yesterday.} Brian looked at me in the rearview mirror and we both just smiled. I had been praying all morning for angels of protection to surround our vehicle and make us invisible to the police. It was a super powerful moment where we were reminded that Christ was right there with us, through the mouth of our two year old daughter. 

We arrived to the courthouse on time and went to the waiting area to be called. We would be called anywhere from the 8-12 timeframe. At 9:00 we got summoned to the judge's chambers. We all filed into the office and my heart was beating 100 miles an hour. All of a sudden the judge asked where our social welfare officer was. Our lawyer had called him that morning and he had told him he was on his way to the courts. Now it was our time and he was not there. Our judge {who has a reputation for being the toughest judge in Arusha} said we could not proceed without the social welfare officer in case he needed to ask him anything. I looked at Brian in disbelief. Then a miracle happened. The judge said he would allow us to come back at 1:00 and try again with social welfare. So we filed out of his office with a few hours to kill. 

When we got back to the courthouse I was so nervous and concerned that our social welfare officer would not show up. We kept looking around for him and trying to see him coming in but didn't. Then they called us back to the judge. As soon as I saw our social welfare officer sitting in the chair tears just started to come. I was SO relieved and in shock that this moment was actually about to happen. Two years of having our daughter and we were finally having her court hearing!! The judge was super strict during the hearing and super intimidating. There were some issues that arose during the hearing that we thought he was literally going to just throw our case out and deny us. It was a tense hour for sure. By the end though Brian and I both felt like it was going better. He told us that November 2nd he would be passing down his ruling. So now we wait until then to see if he approves or denies our adoption and then it is all over. 

One of the most emotional parts for me yesterday was actually just getting to spend time with three of Kamila's family members. Her family is really so precious to us and we are so blessed and thankful by their willingness to help us whenever needed with her adoption. At one point yesterday her grandfather was talking to her Uncles and told them that he couldn't believe how big and well she was doing. That if Kamila was still with her birth mother he was positive she would be dead by now. Those words were so intense to hear looking at my daughter. Sometimes it is too much for my heart to process what her life could have been. I loved watching her with her Uncles playing with them and them holding her and loving on her. I do not take for granted how wonderful our "open adoption" with her family has gone. 

So now we wait to hear. And for the first time I am actually allowing my heart to dream about being able to bring Kamila back to the States to meet all of her family and friends who have not yet met her. Dreaming of how wonderful it will be to have all of this behind us and just be a family. Not having this unspoken fear in my heart that somehow someone will be able to take her away from us. Please pray with us that the judge will rule in our favor and our daughter will legally become a Loudermilk. We are so thankful to God for his continued goodness, faithfulness, and protection over our family.

My sweet Kamila Love,

You have been in my heart for as long as I can remember, Kamila. I remember as a young girl just knowing in my heart that I would adopt some sweet brown babies from Africa. I had no clue what that actually meant or looked like, but it has honestly been a dream in my heart for as long as I can remember. I remember your Daddy and I talking before we were married and that was something we both knew in our hearts God was calling us to and how it made me love him even more. So even though you are only turning two today, we have carried you in our hearts for so much longer. Even though you are technically our fifth child, in some ways you are more like my first.

I often wonder what it was like the day you were born into this world. What was I doing on that day? Could I have ever imagined that a couple of hours away a scared young girl was giving birth not only to her daughter, but to mine as well? How I wish I could have been there to hold her hand and comfort her through the contractions and pains of labor. To have seen your sweet squishy newborn face and held you and kissed you over and over. The love I feel for your birth mommy is powerful. She will always hold such a special and unique place in my heart. The love she and the rest of your biological family has for you is pure and selfless.

Kamila, you have completely captured my heart. I love every little thing about you. I love how you talk all.the.time. You have no quiet voice, just like your Daddy. You walk around the house saying everyone in our families name over and over, the whole day. I love how you wake me up by jumping into bed with me and saying, "Oh Mommy! Stinky, poopy!" and you are talking about my breath. I love how you are so independent and yet at the same time still need your Mommy all the time. I love how you love your brother and sisters SO so much and how that love is reciprocated 100 times over. I love watching the oldest three dote on your every need. I love how when you are trying to get your Daddy's attention and fail you resort to calling him Pastor Brian. I love how you laugh at all the right times during a movie bc you are following the cues of everyone else. I love how you are such a live wire and always the center of attention. I love your sloppy wet kisses. I love how you say AMEN at all the right times during a church service. I love how you scream HALLELUJAH every time the power comes back on. I love how when you run you hold one arm up in a funny position and your Daddy can imitate you doing it so well he makes me laugh so hard I cry.

You have made not just my life but everyone who knows you live's so much better just for being a part of it. I cannot believe I get to be your Mommy. I think of this little baby being born into what would appear to be such an uncertain future. But God knew. He has whispered promises into my heart about your future and the lives you are going to touch. You are such a bright light sweet girl. You are {one of} our little world changer{s}.

Life is wonderful here in Tanzania. We are finding out the more we lay down our lives and ways we think we should be doing things,  and submit fully to our Heavenly Father and His ways.... there is peace. Now that does not mean we don't walk through hard things. It instead means that He carries us through hard things. These past few weeks our hearts have broken together as a family as we grieve the loss of someone so dear to our hearts.

After trying and pursuing our sweet Glory girl for the past two and a half years the door has finally closed for the last time on us adopting her into our family. This came as a big shock to our family as we had finished everything here with our social welfare, had filed in the high courts for her adoption, and were literally just waiting for the phone call to be able to go and pick her up. Instead we got a phone call saying this would not be happening. I won't go into all the details but the door closed.

The hardest part was telling our kids. There have been lots of tears and lots of working through emotions. It has been a good opportunity also to be able to have some great deep discussions with them about forgiveness and also about trusting God and His ways. We also know this was not all in vain. We were able to help her biological mother get out of an horribly abusive situation and find a great job with a pastor who we know and trust. Her bio mom is doing incredible and has since accepted Christ as her Lord and even is leading Bible studies at times. We know God works all things together for good and we are excited to see how that plays out for little Glory's life.

We are so thankful for everyone who has been asking us about her adoption. It means so much to us that people who have never even met her care about her and have been praying for our family. So a big thank you.

As far as us adopting again, we are totally open to what God has for our family. We believe we will be adding more children in the future through adoption and cannot wait to see who they will be. We are in the middle of Kamila's adoption with our courts here and everything with that is going well. Kamila will be turning TWO in October and we look forward to celebrating her life and the precious gift that it is. We have completely fallen in love with adoption and the miracle it is and would encourage anyone who has felt led to adopt but has been to nervous or hesitant to do it to JUMP ALL IN! It is such a beautiful process, and although not easy at times it is totally 100% worth it!

We love you all and are so thankful for your friendships, prayers, and support of all kinds! We are busy busy here and seeing God move in mighty ways! Be looking for our next newsletter soon and if you are not on our mailing list and would like to be added send me a message on Facebook.

I am learning a lot right now. A lot of what I am learning is coming from painful events in my life. I am learning just how dangerous it is to let even one teeny tiny little lie from the enemy make its way into my heart and mind. 

I was full of pride when we came to the missions field. I had no clue, but it was there. I thought we would come to this new place with the love of Jesus and see people come to Him by hundreds, see people healed everywhere we went and be able to share our amazing testimonies of what He was doing through us to everyone back in the States. I should have seen it coming. Pride always comes before the fall.

You see, up until this point in my life I have really never had to fully rely on Christ. Without even realizing it I had put my trust in myself and the control I thought I had over my life. Two years ago though, if you would have asked me I would have told you that of course I trusted Christ with my life and everything in it. After all, I had given up everything and hauled our family (which included four very young children ) to a new and foreign country. Ironically, even the choice to leave it all and come to Africa was something I felt that was in my own control. 

Two years into living in Africa and I have hit a low point.  I have come to the end of myself. I have allowed lies to creep in and take over my thoughts, causing destruction. Lies telling me I am a failure as a missionary, that we are not doing enough and seeing enough fruit from our ministries. Lies that I am somehow damaging our children from being here. Our kids for the most part love it here but of course have their moments of missing friends and family back in the States and satan always seems to capitalize in those moments in my Mommy heart. Lies that if we just had some decent food, shopping, friends and family around us all would be well. Lies that not only am I failing as a missionary but even worse I am failing as a Christian. Lies that if I had done more the girls we have in our home (for the women from the streets) would not have left to go back and work the streets, they would still be safe in our care. 

But the truth is.... all of those things are just that. LIES. And of course I have come to the end of myself, because living here and doing the ministry here we are doing IS more that I can handle. Thankfully it is not more that HE can handle. How can I juggle all of this... wife, mommy, homeschool teacher, missionary, adoptive mommy, christian... the list goes on, without Him? The answer is I cannot. And you know what.... I am really tired of trying. I am so thankful that His mercies are new every morning, that I have a precious husband and children who love me despite all my faults and are quick to forgive, and a Heavenly Father who loves me just where I am at.

This is a very raw post for me. There is something so therapeutic for me with writing though and I pray that maybe the things I share from the secret places of my heart will encourage a tired Mommy, someone feeling all alone, or anyone who is willing to read it. 

So during this season I am learning a new level of trust. A new place of sincerely saying YES Lord, whatever and wherever you have our family, YES. A new place of finding JOY during the hard times and a TRUST that is unlike anything I have ever known. I can let go of this "control" I have a death grip on and lay it at His feet. 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you hope and a future."

Romans 8:37-39 "No, in all these things we are more than conquerers through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angles nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, for He cares for you."

Next week my baby turns one. I have so much I want to write and as the thoughts fill my head the tears fall quickly. I don't even know where to start as I write this but my heart so longs to communicate what it is feeling and I pray a glimpse into my life at this moment will bring strength and courage to someone needing it.

Leaving our daughter back in Africa for four months while I packed up the rest of our family to come back to the States was almost the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The only thing that has been harder was convincing my heart that God was still just as good and still in control. A couple of weeks before we came back tot he States we were at church singing a song and the words were " You are always good, always good, always good, always good, always good, always good you are a good good God!" Singing these words I became overwhelmed by the presence of God as if He was literally wrapping Himself around me whispering in my ear that He was still good indeed. I knew this truth but was in need of a reminder. :) I felt Emmersyn ( our seven year old daughter was is especially close to Kamila ) grab my back and I could tell she was crying. I took her to the back and just held her and let her cry. I asked her why she was crying and she said she didn't know why, but I knew. She needed to be reminded as well that her God was still good even when things didn't make sense and her heart was so hurt. He was filling her with peace and bringing her comfort like only He can.

We fought for Kamila to be able to come home with us, HARD. People ( in love ) would tell me to just trust God. He was in control and could move any mountain. So when we finally realized she would for sure not be able to come home with us I felt as if my faith had failed. If I would have just believed a little harder, had a little more faith, prayed a little more fervently....then maybe she would have been able to come with us. God has used this extremely painful situation to teach me so much. He IS in control. He COULD HAVE moved this mountain if He has seen fit (this was especially hard for me to process through). I began caring too much what people would think of us leaving our daughter and letting hear and emotions begin controlling my decisions, instead of being led by the Holy Spirit. Brian and I did not take Kamila Love into our family lightly. We sought the Lord and heard very clearly that she IS our daughter. I loved that little girl with every ounce I had to give for six months and then had to leave her.

And now she is turning one. And calling another woman ( who happens to be one of my best friends in the whole world ) "mama" and not me. And more than likely will not remember me when I smother her in kisses when I see her next month. And has totally transformed into a big girl who talks up a storm, eats whole bananas, and brings light and joy everywhere she is...without me witnessing any of it. And you know what? That is OK. As I sit here with tear stained cheeks longing to hold my sweet (almost) one year old daughter in my arms I am also full of peace. All because my Father is the Prince of Peace. I always knew but have come to realize on a much deeper level that my children are not my own. They are precious amazing gifts from God that He has entrusted me with on this Earth, but ultimately they are His. He loves them more than I can fathom. He knew our family would be separated these four months when we took Kamila in and He knows she will be fine when we are all reunited. Of course there will be a transition but I fully believe God's grace will cover it all. My heart literally feels like it is going to burst at times when I think about our daughter that is waiting for us at home. How lucky our family is to have her a part of it, all the she brings into our lives. Even from halfway around the world she brings us joy joy joy and fills our hearts with love. Her life is going to (and already is!) touch and change so many, and we get a front row seat.

So on her birthday next week I will let the tears fall. We will bake her a cake and celebrate the glorious day she was brought into this world even though we may not physically be with her. And when we return home a couple weeks later we will celebrate her life with our family and friends in Tanzania. We will thank God for her life because "every good and perfect gift is from above".

{{Side note! HUUUUUUGE shout out to our dear friends Vicki and Vince for raising our Kamila while we are gone. God could not have given us a more perfect fit for Kamila (or us!!) and we have such peace knowing that she is with them being loved so well. HUGE blessing!! }}

Two things I wanted to write down so I don't forget later on in life......

!.  Last week I felt like the Lord gave me the name Pearl. I was thinking about if the next child we adopt is a girl what her middle name would be since we kind of have a theme going with the girls already, whose middle names are Grace, Joy, Praise, and Love. Then I heard Pearl and was super excited because I loved it! I told a couple of my friends later that day I thought we may adopt a girl next because I felt like God had given me this name of Pearl.
I had the amazing experience of being with one of the women from our ladies home all day during her labor and birth. It was such a precious time with Jackie and really strengthened our relationship. I have always wanted to be at a birth and this was my first time. It was a crazy experience all around and for sure one I will never forget. Huge honor. I was told the next day that Jackie wanted me to name her baby. How sweet!! Talk about a lot of pressure though! I love naming our babies but naming someone else's child? What if she didn't like the name? I knew she wouldn't tell me if she didn't and then she would be stuck with this name forever. Then I remember the name Pearl, and immediately knew that was the baby's name. I am blown away that God spoke to me days before the sweet baby was even born and obviously before I could have known I would have been naming her, and whispered her name into my heart. I explained the name to Jackie and about the parable of the pearl of great price in the Bible and she loved it. So now we have a sweet baby girl named Pearl

 

2. Brian went today to find Kamia's grandfather in their village today because we need his fingerprint on some paperwork for Kamila's passport. When he got their he was surprised and very excited to be able to meet Kamila's bio mom. We have wanted to meet her ever since we first met Kamila but never knew if the chance would come. Today it came and we are so thankful. Brian got to see this part of our daughter's life that we didn't know much of before. He got to hug her bio mom and sit and answer other family members questions about Kamila. We plan on going out to their village as a family before we leave on furlough. We absolutely love Kamila's bio family and are so thankful they are a part of our lives. We feel this is a huge gift for Kamila, especially as she gest older and will have questions. She has so many people who adore her and want what is best for her.

 

This is Kamila's Uncle and Aunt in these pictures. They cared for her the first couple of months of her life and love her so much. They are precious to us and we consider them our family.

I have always known I wanted to adopt. Honestly, as far back as I can remember I have dreamed of adopting children from Africa. Funny though, I never thought I would be actually living in Africa when that time came.
I will never forget getting the email about Kamila. My parents were here visiting and we were playing cards at the dinner table. I got up to check my Facebook and there was an email from my friend who ran the baby home Kamila was at. I remember getting overly excited and telling Brian and my parents about it. I remember wondering what it would be like when I saw this sweet baby girls face, would it be instant love? Could it be this was our daughter?

 

This was the first picture I saw of our Kamila. I will be honest with you, when I saw it I didn't have that "feeling" I was hoping to get. I remember staring and staring as if I was waiting for this little baby on the screen to give me a sign. So Brian and I prayed and prayed and both felt God confirming in our hearts this was our little girl.

 

We watched our precious girl grow through pictures on the screen from my sweet friend who was caring for her. It was a difficult time because she was only physically an hour and a half drive from us but even so we weren't able to make that trip often. We met some of her family and then waited to hear if they "approved" of our family and us being the adoptive family. I will also never forget the moment I got the message from my friend telling me congratulations and we had another daughter. I started sobbing tears of joy. Our dream of adoption was coming true after so many years!

 

 

The day we went and picked Kamila up from the baby home nothing went right. It was a very stressful day but in the end we had our daughter and were overjoyed! When we got home though that joy turned to panic pretty quickly. Kamila started screaming and didn't stop. I had honestly never seen a baby scream as loudly or as passionately as she was. Finally after a couple of hours she fell asleep for the night. I remember staring at her as she slept so peacefully and being so nervous about how the night would go. For the next few weeks that was my life. Screaming child with a panicking Mommy trying to calm her down. I remember one day looking at Brian and with tears in  my eyes telling him I was pretty sure she hated me. I can laugh at that now, but in that moment I really felt that.

 

 

I remember talking with a  new friend who was also in the process of adopting a child in Tanzania. She told me when they first got their son he screamed all day every day as well and that one day he just stopped. Her telling me that gave me so much hope that maybe that would happen for us. A couple of my dear sisters here got together one morning with Brian and I to pray over Kamila and her past. It was an incredible time and I know the Lord used that time to bring great healing to Kamila's little heart. Gradually the crying and screaming became replaced with giggles and snuggles. It was an incredible transformation to watch unfold! God is always so faithful!

 

 

 

I have watched in amazement as this sweet little girl has accepted me as her Mommy and she has become my daughter. I could stare at her precious face all day long, every single feature to me is perfect. Our Kamila Love is beyond precious. She is loved and cherished. The older four kids absolutely adore her. Through this process I have not only fallen in love with our daughter, I have also fallen in love with the adoption process. I am blown away by what has happened in five short months. This sweet little girl we knew nothing about just a few short months ago, but cannot even imagine our lives without her now. She is fearfully and wonderfully made and God has amazing plans for her life and I am blessed to have a front row seat!

 

 

 

A day in the life of {{Harper Praise}}

Oh, how I love our Harper Praise! She bring so much joy and laughter into our lives every single day. This time of her life has been especially fun as we watch her personality really explode right before our eyes! Last week I took pictures of her throughout the day to try and capture what a day might look like for our feisty little three year old. {.... and yes even though she has on three different outfits this was all the same day.}

 

 

Helping Mommy make some zucchini bread for breakfast.

 

Harper loves Mama Jackson. She was helping clean out the horrible smell in the fridge which was a result of a four day power outage.

 

...... then she moved onto cleaning the cabinets.

 

Next, cleaning her shoes. This was when outfit number two came in because she drenched herself during this process.

 

Playing baby dolls with her older sissy's.

 

Then playing with her real life baby doll, her little sissy. Kamila was having none of it though.

 

This world is not my home.....

Hebrews 13:14 , " For this world is not our home, we are looking forward to our city in heaven, which is yet to come."

When I was in high school I was in a traveling singing group called Sounds of Praise. One of the songs we used to sing had these words, " .. this world is not my home, I am just a passing through. My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue." This song has played in my mind on repeat almost since my feet hit the ground in Tanzania. I have struggled this past fifteen months way more than I would like to admit. I have been surprised at the level of selfishness I have seen come out of my heart at times. I remember reading somewhere that being a missionary is kind of like fasting everything from your old life all at once, and I have to say I agree almost completely with that thought. I have had to lay down idols that I never even knew existed in my life. I have struggled with insecurities that were hidden deep in some secret chamber of my heart that have since been forced out. I have told myself repeatedly that moving back to the States is the answer, then everything will be right and good once again.

Well, we have purchased our tickets for our first furlough home. Initially I was over the moon about it. I would cry literal tears of joy every time I thought about being home with our friends and family, surrounded by all the comforts I knew and loved. As the time gets closer to going home though, new emotions are coming up. A sadness about leaving Tanzania for four months, this place that I am beginning to realize we have new roots at. The other day I asked the kids what they were most excited about doing when we went home. Sophee was very confused and asked me what I meant, that we were already home. God really used that moment to show me that Tanzania is "home" to our family for this season. This honestly doesn't sit well with me at times though. How can this place where I feel like such an outsider all the time be home? A place where no matter where I am my skin will always set me apart from the group no matter how long we are here? And yet we are going back to America soon, our other "home", and I am nervous about not fitting in there either. What will it be like when we go back? Time has passed there too, peoples lives have changed and we haven't been there to see it/ Will we fit right back in, or will it be awkward? Will it really feel like "home" when a chunk of our hearts are in Tanzania now as well?

Then I am reminded time and time again that this world is not our home. I have a deeper understanding of this verse than ever before, I feel. I look forward with such great anticipation to the day when I will be in Heaven, and will feel at peace and rest completely. Until then, I will joyfully enjoy both homes we have here on Earth. I will choose to see it as a blessing that we have amazing friends and family in two places and that we get to see God working among two different nations.

Let me tell you about my{{ BeSt FrIeNd}}

These past couple of weeks have been super emotional for me. I have burst into tears too many times to count just at the thought of my best friend in the States and her precious family. A week from Friday their family will be legally adopting their two sweet, precious, amazing, adorable children. I dream of being able to be home for the adoption { literally, I have dreamt about it every night for the past eight days } and if we had the money for me to fly home I would be there in a heartbeat, like tomorrow. I am still holding out a glimmer of hope that God will move a mountain and somehow it will be able to happen, but if it doesn't then I figured the next best thing would be to pay my best friend a little tribute on the good ole blog.

Amanda,
You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my entire life. You are faithful, gentle, loving, full of grace, patient, so kind, loyal, and so much more. I admire you and watching you walk out your life with such surrender to God gives me such encouragement in my own life. I have watched you enter new and sometimes scary territories with doing foster care, and have seen you and Andy thrive and build a precious family all because you were both willing to take a step of faith and trust God with your lives and futures. You {and Andy!} are the most loyal friends in the world. You are always willing to help Brian and I out, whether it be sitting on your kitchen floor with fifty pounds of raw chicken needing to be made for VBS, painting the outside of our house in the FREEZING cold, moving from our house to our mobile home, our mobile home to my parents house, and the grand finale of packing into the morning hours for our move to Africa, Brian and I always know you both are there whenever and for whatever we need. You are so much more than just a friend, you are truly my sister. I know the relationship between our families is a unique and very special bond. Two families that are more like one big happy family, the Louderyes. :) Thank you for always being just a phone call away and listening to every one of my silly little problems like what I was going through was the most important thing in the world. I miss game nights, park dates, Papa Murphy's BBQ chicken pizza, late night runs to DQ and Casey's, doing garage sales together, watching our kids play together, and so much more. I am so blessed to have you as my sister. I can not ever express how proud of you I am. I miss you every day. I am so incredibly happy for your family and cannot wait to see pictures from the adoption. I remember the night B and G came to your house, and look at them now. They are thriving, loved, happy, beautiful children! I love you and can't wait to see you again!!

One Year Later AND Glory update.

Wow. Although it has been the hardest year of my life, I made it. It has been a year full of tears, growing, God's amazing grace, small victories, and watching God's mighty plan unfold right before my eyes. He has literally turned my mourning into dancing and turned my sorrow into joy. His ways our so much higher than our ways. I have seen it time and time again. Looking back over the year my heart is so full of thankfulness for where we are, and that this is the life we get to live. I remember when we first moved here and were living with our friends before our house was ready. They ate Tanzanian for lunch every day and I remember how terrified I and my kids were of the food. We would not touch it, let alone take a bite of it. Now I laugh looking back at that. My kids and I are now eating Tanzanian food every day. I know to some that may not seem huge, but trust me, it is! I also laugh looking back at the first time we went on a walk with the kids on the dirt roads here. We were all literally tripping all over ourselves, and the kids all had scraped up knees and tears by the time we were done. I used to not be able to breath when Brian was driving us around town I was so nervous, and when we went by the police check stations I thought I would pass out from fear. The unknown of our everyday lives was just too much for me to handle most days.
I am not the person I was when I stepped off the plane a year ago. It is very hard to describe the change that has occurred in me. I feel stronger, yet am more aware of my weakness apart from Christ than ever before. As I deal with the heartache of living away from family and friends, deal with culture shock daily, and just all the small details and hardships of living in a third world country, I cannot help but fall more in love with Christ as I lean on Him alone to lead me.
This month alone has been so full of opportunities to trust Him with every situation and have joy all the while, even when I cannot see what the next step is. An example of this would be concerning our Glory girl. Glory is the precious baby girl we met when we first came to Tanzania last year that both Brian and I fell in love with instantly. This past year we have taken the trip to visit her multiple times, watching her grow up and taking any chance we get to spend time with her. We have wanted to adopt her from the moment we laid eyes on her, and have fought an uphill battle to pursue this. Recently we found her birth mother and set up a time to meet with her and her grandmother. There is a major background to this story that I won't go into details about, but trust me when I say it has been an emotional ride with many ups and downs, tears and confusion. At our meeting with them we found out that Glory's bio mom was in an abusive situation and needed help. They were very excited about us wanting to adopt Glory, but b/c of the background we could not just go and sign rights over without first getting her cleared through the police. Brian and I cried with her and told her that we would pray about how we could help, although at the time were unsure of what to do. On the hour and a half ride home from that meeting I cried the whole way, deep cries from my heart. Even though this woman had made some horrible decisions that could cause me to resent her, I was overflowing with compassion for her and her situation. I also cried as I felt the Lord begin to prepare my heart for what could happen. What if we did help her bio mom get out of this horrible situation and she decided she wanted Glory back? Would I be able to handle this? Would I still help this woman? Did I love Glory enough to lay down what I wanted for what is best for her? I cried and cried as I knew that we loved her enough and no matter what, we wanted what was best for her.
A couple of weeks later (which was just this weekend) we were back in Arusha so that our family in town could meet Glory. We went and they met her and of course fell right in love with her. While at the baby home she is at we talked with the social worker who told us that her bio mom was in major distress, and the situation had worsened. We decided right then to call her and go pick her up and bring her home with us. So we did. When we went to meet her she also had her mother with her. Surprises like this are a very common thing in our lives here. :)
So we all piled into our car and started the trip home, on the way picking up one of my dear friends to help translate for us. That night I made them both dinner (which they told me they never were allowed to eat lunch or dinner where they were before, and I believe them after watching them eat that meal) and we sat down and had a good conversation with both women. They expressed such thankfulness for us coming to get them, and wondered how did we know that they had been praying for so long for someone to save them from the situation they were in? During the conversation with them {through my friend translating} I heard something that didn't settle well with me. So I had my friend ask Glory's bio mom if she was wanting to keep her now? She told us yes, she was wanting to keep Glory. I had to excuse myself from the table and went into the bathroom and cried. My friend who had been translating came and hugged me and we cried together. My fears of what could happen were coming true. Don't get me wrong, I was not mad at her at all, my heart was just breaking. We have gotten so attached to Glory and love her with such a deep love, as if she is already ours. So after our talk we took them to a hostel down the road from us to stay for the next couple of nights. The next step is to meet with our Pastor here to see how we can help get everything worked out with her bio mom and where we go from here. This morning we picked them up for church and during worship I just stared at her bio mom and wept. I am so full of love for her, I know it has to be from God. I have no clue what will unfold in the near future concerning all of this, but I have such an overwhelming peace that God is in control and will work all things for His good, and I choose to praise Him through it all. Whether we have the incredible blessing of adding Glory to our family or her rejoining her bio family and helping them to flourish as a family, it will all be worth it. Right now this is what stopping for the one looks like for us, and I am so thankful it is our Glory girl.

A bunch of randomness......

My mind is not functioning right now at it's fullest level, but I just wanted to jot down a few things so I will always remember these small glimpses into this season of our lives.


* We have some mango trees in our backyard that our producing a ton of mangos right now. So much that our workers take some home with them every day, I have been chopping up and freezing a bunch for smoothies, the girls eat them like crazy, and our friends come over and fill up buckets to bring home with them. Even as I am typing I can hear some of the mangos dropping onto the ground.

*One of our biggest goals for the new year is to be much better at communicating with our supporters at home. We have set the goal of getting a newsletter out every six weeks, and so far are sticking to it! :)

*We are gearing up for a three day conference in an amazing church in the village this weekend. It is going to be incredible, we are so excited to see what God has in store!

*Next month will mark our one year of moving to Tanzania. This is very odd to me as some days it feels like we have been here ten years, and other days it feels like I should wake up back in Iowa. The days of just packing the kids in the car and driving to Target seem like a lifetime ago.

*My mother-in-law, father-in-law, and sister-in-law will be here in less than a month!!! We are so excited for them to be here!!!

*Being an adult is hard sometimes, and sometimes I make mistakes. I am so thankful we are surrounded by such amazing, loving people who are full of God's grace.

*Tomorrow is one week with our precious Kamila Love. Kamila means "perfect" and we thought the name "perfect love" was just right for her. Whenever I say her name I am reminded of the Bible speaking about perfect love casting out all fear. She is such a fun, sweet, giggly baby.

*Everyone is asking us how Harper Praise is handling not being the baby anymore. She is doing incredible. It is as though she literally grew up over night once we got Kamila. She loves her role of big sister and tells us often that she is a big kid now. Harper is talking like crazy and so full of life and love.

*Last night at two in the morning I was up with Kamila. I had just fed her and had her laying on our bed, changing her diaper. I had just put a good amount of diaper cream on my hand and the power went out. When the power goes out here it is pitch black, like throw your senses off for a minute dark. I couldn't grab a flashlight b/c I had a hand full of diaper rash cream, luckily Brian was quick on his feet to action.

*We have two toilets in our house. The one nearest our room we cannot use at night because it becomes overtaken my massively huge ants. A couple of nights ago I counted twenty of them in there. Some times it catches me off guard that this is normal to me now. :)

*Today at school Sophee's teacher asked all the kids what the hardest part about being a kid is. Her response was "keeping the mosquitos away from her new baby sister." Poor girl, we are working her too hard obviously. :)

A look into our possible future....

 

 

Please join our family in prayer during this season, as we find out if we will be blessed to call these two precious girls our daughters. We are ready for some good news and are full of peace and totally trusting God!

A love that multiplies....

I had shared a few weeks ago how our family was starting the foster/adoption process here in Tanzania. We also have some exciting news on two little girls who will possibly be joining our family, and I would like to tell you a little bit about them. I was telling my friend last night I feel like I have guarded this information for some reason and I am not sure why. She told me it was probably because I didn't want people to think we are crazy, and it made me laugh because she was dead on. I am ok with being crazy though, because when you really think about it the love of God is a completely crazy thing!

The very first month we were in Tanzania we had to travel a little over a hour to go to language school for three weeks. I remember driving down the road our school was on and we drove right by a baby home called Cradle of Love. I recognized the name from seeing it on Facebook and told Brian I would for sure be visiting it while we were in school. I think it was the next day I walked to Cradle with Brian on one of our breaks from studying. We met the amazing director at Cradle, who has since become a dear friend of ours. I spoke with her about my passion for babies and was so thrilled to have met someone with such a kindred heart towards babies as well. She took us around Cradle and introduced us to many of the babies, whose ages range from newborn to three years old. In one of the rooms we met a little girl who at the time was about eight months, and her little life story broke my heart. I remember instantly telling Brian that I thought this little girl was our daughter. She was very shy, sullen, and didn't like to smile much. :) I don't remember what they told us her name was, but I held her and fed her and felt a connection with her I cannot explain. I was sad because I also knew that in Tanzania adoptions are not easy, in fact they have a reputation for being a horribly long and drawn out process. You also have to live in Tanzania for three years before you are supposed to be allowed to adopt. So here I am holding this little girl who I instantly fell in love with, knowing there is nothing I can do about it. The next day we went to see her and I found out they had started calling her Glory. I couldn't believe it. I had very much felt the Lord tell me a couple of months ago that we had a daughter named Glory waiting for us in Africa. When we met this little girl that was not what we were told her name was, and then it was. It was more confirmation for my heart. Language school continued and I tried to get over to see Glory every day. Then our three weeks were up and it was time to head home. It was heartbreaking to have to leave Glory for Brian and I, not knowing when we would see her again or how the future would play out. Over the next few months we were in contact with the director to see what we could do, if anything, to get Glory in our custody. Once we were in our new house and settled we began the process of fostering and told our social welfare there was a little girl in a baby home we were wanting to take in. The told us it would be fine to take here in once we were approved. We have seen such favor with how fast things have moved for us, and we are just now waiting on our background checks from America to be completely approved. My heart was still uneasy though, I was not comfortable taking Glory in without knowing for sure that she would not be able to be taken away from us. We want to have every single last detail in order, and because of Glory's background it is a little complicated. So yesterday we went to Arusha to meet with the social worker there who is in charge of Glory's case. He told us that he is going to look into what he needs to {as far as looking for Glory's birth mom} but he thinks that we should be able to have her in our custody for sure. I cannot explain how exciting this was for Brian and I to hear. We had been told multiple times that we would not be able to adopt Glory for one reason or the other, but Brian and I have both felt very strongly from the beginning that this precious little girl was ours, so we continue to press on. God is so faithful! There are many other details to Glory's story, but maybe another time for those. We love this little girl very much, as do our four kids. They love Glory and talk about her often. They have spent a good amount of time with her, and very much want her to be a part of our family. So will you pray with us please? That over these next couple of weeks we will continue to get good news and everything worked out for Glory to come and live with our family?

Then there is baby girl. We got an email from our friend, who is the director at Cradle of Love, while my parents were here about baby girl. Her story was very different from Glory's and at the same time equally heartbreaking. The email my friend sent said they were getting a newborn baby girl whose rights were going to be signed over, would we be interested. It is VERY uncommon for a family to just sign rights over in Tanzania, as shame is a huge thing in this culture and would be an ultimate shame for sure.It also makes the adoption much easier when the rights are just signed over. So we waited to see if the family actually brought her to Cradle, which they did. The aunt and uncle had been caring for her and they were the ones to bring her. They both agreed to signing their rights over and us adopting her, but we need the entire family to agree. So the entire family is getting together on Christmas and will be deciding whether or not they will allow us to adopt baby girl. We went and met her yesterday and she is absolutely precious. She was born on October 10th, so she is just two months old.

Now, I understand where some people may think we are crazy. Taking in an 18 month old and a 2 month old while we already have four young children at home?! We had always wanted to adopt two children at once, for many reasons, and now it looks like that may be happening, and YES we are a little crazy. :) This is who we are though, and we are 100% positive this is a part of our families call being here in Tanzania. So will you please pray for our growing family? We know and fully trust that God is in control and that brings us great peace. It amazes me to see something we have been talking about for over ten years now, to finally be playing out. God's timing is so perfect and He already knows every single member of our family. It is amazing to walk out this journey, as it builds our faith and increases our trust and joy in Him. We will keep everyone updated as we find out more!

Guest blogging for Miss Grace Filled Life

Today I had the honor to guest blog on Kathy Olson's blog, Miss Grace Filled Life. I have known Kathy for fifteen years now, and have such love and respect for her and her husband. Check out my post and have so much fun looking around her blog!

Here is the link

http://www.missgracefilledlife.blogspot.com/

YouTube, Instagram, and Snapchat... oh my!!

I have never been good at technology, but I am realizing there are so many different ways to stay connected to our family and friends at home, I have to at least try. So I have now hijacked my husband's iPhone {that someone so sweetly donated to us} and have an Instagram account {mandeeloudermilk}, a Snapchat account {mandeejoejoe}, and we just created a YouTube account. Here is the link to a video Brian made giving a overview of our first six months in Tanzania, Africa. I will be posting little videos of our daily lives often, so subscribe to our account to keep up with us and watch our beautiful babies grow up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ie_dN3_aalI

Click on this link to see the video Brian made and check out our other couple of videos to see what our kids do in a typical Tanzanian church service.

Today I was outside hanging our laundry on our clothes line, and the Lord brought to my mind a blog post I had written a couple of years ago. It was about how Africa was our fourth child { obviously written before the birth of Harper Praise}. I made comparisons about being pregnant with Africa, and loving the country and the people there before I had even met them, just as a mother is with her unborn child.

This next part is so amazing {and funny} to me. I felt like He told me that I had had my first all natural delivery of one of my babies. Let me explain. With all four of my children I have been induced. They would break my water and then right away give me an epidural {gasp!}. This says two things about me, {one} I am a very inpatient person and {two} if there is a way to avoid pain, I will take it. All of my labors were very quick, easy, and pain free. But not this one. :)

The delivery of my "fifth child" was the complete opposite. It was long, painful, and at times seemed unbearable. I had a picture today of a woman in labor, screaming at her husband to please make it stop, the pain is too much she can't handle it anymore. Then I remember may times over our first few months here begging Brian to please take me home, the pain is too much, I can't handle it anymore. The pain of dying to myself, the pain of realizing how many idols I held onto, the pain of the loss of our old lives. Then I thought about a woman in labor with no pain medicine, and how the only thing that gets her through is the fact that at the end she will get to hold her precious new baby. Even through the pain of the first few months I knew {even when I didn't want to admit it} that if I stuck it out, it would all be worth it, the pain would be worth it. Woman who are preparing for an all natural delivery mentally prepare for what is coming, because they know there is no way around the pain, it is just a part of the process. For the first time in my life, I couldn't rush things, or turn to Brian to fix everything. It was just me and God, and although it was ugly at times, the birth is over and has turned into something amazingly wonderful. I love my life here. It seems crazy to me to remember how much of a struggle it used to be, because now it just feels so natural and easy.

If you are in the hard labor stages, be encouraged!! Cling to Christ! He is more than able to bring us out of any situation or trial!

God is so amazing. I mean SO amazing. We had no clue about New Life Foundation when we picked up our lives to move to Africa, and now, New Life is the main focus of our ministry here in Tanzania. The kids at New Life have completely stolen our hearts, and I know the deep love and joy I have for them is straight from the Lord. We know full well THEY all are the reason we are in Tanzania!

The kids from grade six down to nursery are getting ready to go to their home villages for a holiday. Even though 70% of the children at New Life are considered orphans here in Tanzania, they still have some form of relative to return to during this holiday, which will last a month. We have been working a lot with the 6th grade lately, and a couple of the girls in that class have really stolen Brian and I's hearts in particular. When we found out that one of them had no where to go during the holiday, we knew right away we wanted to have her come stay with us. Well, then we found out that another girl very precious to us had nowhere to go either, so we knew right away we wanted to have her come and stay with us as well. Then we found out there was only one girl in grade six left with no where to go, so we knew there was no way we could leave her behind. So one turned into three. :) We have come to find out that all three girls are from the same village. The village is very far away {takes one full day to travel to} and very unreached. They have tried to send local African missionaries to go and minister to them, but it was even too overwhelming for them to handle living there. Their tribe kills their food daily, or they don't eat. They don't live in homes, they live in what was described to us as nest like things. If the girls ever do go home for a visit, they must have a chaperone go with them, otherwise there is a very high chance they will be married off and not able to return {remember they are 13!!!!}. We feel so beyond blessed to have this opportunity, and are excited to see our relationships with these precious girls grow. We are praying to see trust levels increase as they spend more time with us, and to have some amazing times of ministry with them in our home. They are really some of the sweetest girls in the world, we feel so blessed that this is our lives. Our kids are THRILLED, and will wear the older girls out I am sure!

Prayers

Would you please pray for our family? This season of parenting our four young children is proving to be a way greater challenge than I ever expected. They are such good kids. With that being said, when you take four young kids away from everything they have ever known, and throw them into a new culture that is crazy different than their old lives, there are bound to be challenges. After six months on the field, emotions are starting to come up.

One of daughters will become very emotional and cry for an hour at a time. She misses her friends and family at home. She is only six, and doesn't fully know how to express what she if feeling, so it bottles up until something sets her off and then has an emotional melt down. Unfortunately, I totally understand how she feels, I do the exact same thing. :) She will cry and cry because she just wants a baby doll, and how do you explain to a six and five year old, there is no Target here to go and get one? You can't really. There have been many tears over the last four weeks from all four kids.

Harper Praise is now two and a half. We have never really experienced the terrible twos until now. I know I have let her get away with way more than I should since being here, but mommy guilt is a very hard thing to deal with sometimes. Harper gets an unreal amount of attention here. Obviously, we stick out very easily because of our white skin. Throw in Harper's beautiful red & curly hair, mix in a little of her Swahili, and that girl is literally mobbed every where we go. Culture here is very different. It is very common for people to just grab Harper out of my hands and try to walk off. Harper will have none of that though, and she screams and screams. People have even taken her out of our car through her window a couple of times. Not being rude, again just culture here. She is constantly {like every minute} being poked, prodded, hair stroked, etc. People laugh here all the time, so now she thinks they are always laughing at her. She gets upset often, saying, "Mommy, they laughing at me again." Try explaining to your two year old they aren't laughing at you, it is just culture honey. She cries a lot, mostly it seems out of anger and frustration.

We had lots of help at home. My parents lived right across the street from us, and were a part of our daily lives, every day. Now I am lucky if I talk to them a totally of 45 minutes total every week, and that is really hard. Going from being a financially self-sufficient family, to completely living off of support is proving to be quiet the transition as well.

Do I say all of this to complain and grumble? Absolutely not. It is never easy to expose our weaknesses to others, but honestly we covet your prayers!! We love what we are doing here, and are thankful for this calling on our lives. That doesn't mean there aren't hard times though. :)

I guess from all of that you can pray for us in the following areas,

*Supernatural love, supernatural peace, supernatural patience for Brian and I as we parent our kids during this harder season in our lives
*Our kids emotions to stabilize, that they would find words to express how they feel to us before emotional break downs occur
*Wisdom for Bri and I, and for our marriage to stay strong and unmoved by everything going on around us

Photo A Day

 

 

{pure joy}