Next week my baby turns one. I have so much I want to write and as the thoughts fill my head the tears fall quickly. I don't even know where to start as I write this but my heart so longs to communicate what it is feeling and I pray a glimpse into my life at this moment will bring strength and courage to someone needing it.

Leaving our daughter back in Africa for four months while I packed up the rest of our family to come back to the States was almost the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The only thing that has been harder was convincing my heart that God was still just as good and still in control. A couple of weeks before we came back tot he States we were at church singing a song and the words were " You are always good, always good, always good, always good, always good, always good you are a good good God!" Singing these words I became overwhelmed by the presence of God as if He was literally wrapping Himself around me whispering in my ear that He was still good indeed. I knew this truth but was in need of a reminder. :) I felt Emmersyn ( our seven year old daughter was is especially close to Kamila ) grab my back and I could tell she was crying. I took her to the back and just held her and let her cry. I asked her why she was crying and she said she didn't know why, but I knew. She needed to be reminded as well that her God was still good even when things didn't make sense and her heart was so hurt. He was filling her with peace and bringing her comfort like only He can.

We fought for Kamila to be able to come home with us, HARD. People ( in love ) would tell me to just trust God. He was in control and could move any mountain. So when we finally realized she would for sure not be able to come home with us I felt as if my faith had failed. If I would have just believed a little harder, had a little more faith, prayed a little more fervently....then maybe she would have been able to come with us. God has used this extremely painful situation to teach me so much. He IS in control. He COULD HAVE moved this mountain if He has seen fit (this was especially hard for me to process through). I began caring too much what people would think of us leaving our daughter and letting hear and emotions begin controlling my decisions, instead of being led by the Holy Spirit. Brian and I did not take Kamila Love into our family lightly. We sought the Lord and heard very clearly that she IS our daughter. I loved that little girl with every ounce I had to give for six months and then had to leave her.

And now she is turning one. And calling another woman ( who happens to be one of my best friends in the whole world ) "mama" and not me. And more than likely will not remember me when I smother her in kisses when I see her next month. And has totally transformed into a big girl who talks up a storm, eats whole bananas, and brings light and joy everywhere she is...without me witnessing any of it. And you know what? That is OK. As I sit here with tear stained cheeks longing to hold my sweet (almost) one year old daughter in my arms I am also full of peace. All because my Father is the Prince of Peace. I always knew but have come to realize on a much deeper level that my children are not my own. They are precious amazing gifts from God that He has entrusted me with on this Earth, but ultimately they are His. He loves them more than I can fathom. He knew our family would be separated these four months when we took Kamila in and He knows she will be fine when we are all reunited. Of course there will be a transition but I fully believe God's grace will cover it all. My heart literally feels like it is going to burst at times when I think about our daughter that is waiting for us at home. How lucky our family is to have her a part of it, all the she brings into our lives. Even from halfway around the world she brings us joy joy joy and fills our hearts with love. Her life is going to (and already is!) touch and change so many, and we get a front row seat.

So on her birthday next week I will let the tears fall. We will bake her a cake and celebrate the glorious day she was brought into this world even though we may not physically be with her. And when we return home a couple weeks later we will celebrate her life with our family and friends in Tanzania. We will thank God for her life because "every good and perfect gift is from above".

{{Side note! HUUUUUUGE shout out to our dear friends Vicki and Vince for raising our Kamila while we are gone. God could not have given us a more perfect fit for Kamila (or us!!) and we have such peace knowing that she is with them being loved so well. HUGE blessing!! }}