I am learning a lot right now. A lot of what I am learning is coming from painful events in my life. I am learning just how dangerous it is to let even one teeny tiny little lie from the enemy make its way into my heart and mind. 

I was full of pride when we came to the missions field. I had no clue, but it was there. I thought we would come to this new place with the love of Jesus and see people come to Him by hundreds, see people healed everywhere we went and be able to share our amazing testimonies of what He was doing through us to everyone back in the States. I should have seen it coming. Pride always comes before the fall.

You see, up until this point in my life I have really never had to fully rely on Christ. Without even realizing it I had put my trust in myself and the control I thought I had over my life. Two years ago though, if you would have asked me I would have told you that of course I trusted Christ with my life and everything in it. After all, I had given up everything and hauled our family (which included four very young children ) to a new and foreign country. Ironically, even the choice to leave it all and come to Africa was something I felt that was in my own control. 

Two years into living in Africa and I have hit a low point.  I have come to the end of myself. I have allowed lies to creep in and take over my thoughts, causing destruction. Lies telling me I am a failure as a missionary, that we are not doing enough and seeing enough fruit from our ministries. Lies that I am somehow damaging our children from being here. Our kids for the most part love it here but of course have their moments of missing friends and family back in the States and satan always seems to capitalize in those moments in my Mommy heart. Lies that if we just had some decent food, shopping, friends and family around us all would be well. Lies that not only am I failing as a missionary but even worse I am failing as a Christian. Lies that if I had done more the girls we have in our home (for the women from the streets) would not have left to go back and work the streets, they would still be safe in our care. 

But the truth is.... all of those things are just that. LIES. And of course I have come to the end of myself, because living here and doing the ministry here we are doing IS more that I can handle. Thankfully it is not more that HE can handle. How can I juggle all of this... wife, mommy, homeschool teacher, missionary, adoptive mommy, christian... the list goes on, without Him? The answer is I cannot. And you know what.... I am really tired of trying. I am so thankful that His mercies are new every morning, that I have a precious husband and children who love me despite all my faults and are quick to forgive, and a Heavenly Father who loves me just where I am at.

This is a very raw post for me. There is something so therapeutic for me with writing though and I pray that maybe the things I share from the secret places of my heart will encourage a tired Mommy, someone feeling all alone, or anyone who is willing to read it. 

So during this season I am learning a new level of trust. A new place of sincerely saying YES Lord, whatever and wherever you have our family, YES. A new place of finding JOY during the hard times and a TRUST that is unlike anything I have ever known. I can let go of this "control" I have a death grip on and lay it at His feet. 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you hope and a future."

Romans 8:37-39 "No, in all these things we are more than conquerers through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angles nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, for He cares for you."