{Honestly}

uI feel like it is important for me to write this post. I hope you find it as an open and honest look into my life right now, and a source of encouragement in some way. I can't wait to look back on it in the near future and see how far God has brought me.
We have been in Africa about a week and half now, but it seems like so much longer. It seems so long ago that we were with our friends in the States, in the freezing cold Iowa weather. It seems like forever ago we were at the airport with our loved ones saying goodbye. It has been a much harder transition than I was prepared for. Sure, you have everyone telling you what it is going to be like, and you know hard times full of emotions are coming, but until you walk it out, you have no idea. I have never experienced such sorrow or felt such loss before in my life. It is as though a literal death has occurred, a death of our old lives back in the States. During the day here I do well. We keep busy and honestly with the four kids there is not much time to stop and think. At night though, it is a different story. As I sit in our room while our babies sleep, I become overwhelmed with emotions. I miss our family and friends so deeply it has physically hurt my heart. I want to run away, and run home to the only life we ever knew as a family, living near family and serving at our home church surrounded by our church family. I have questioned God, was this a mistake? We have nothing in the States to go home to. No home, no car, no furniture, no jobs. Did we give that all up to come here and just survive? I want to thrive, not just survive! In my heart though, I know without a doubt we are here for a reason, even if I don't like admitting it. I know we have been called here, and looking back over the last year and remembering all the miracles that got us here, could never deny that. I have been reminded many times of a night back home when we were praying with our dear friends Josh and Alissa, and Josh said he felt like we needed to pray for the hard times. He was telling us he felt like there would be hard times to come but we can do all things through God in us. So that night he prayed for us about that and I have looked back on it and it has been a great source of strength.
I have known since the first night here I was not embracing this call on our lives. I have been stiff arming the call and our lives here since I got here. It scares me when I think about embracing the call and being ok, and beginning our lives here, because in reality that means being ok with giving up our lives in the States. God has been speaking to me though, even just this morning. He has been using our friends here to assure me that all these feelings are normal. This morning, as hard as it was for me to say I did tell God, I accept this. I KNOW you have our family here for a reason. Even though I miss our family and friends, and ministries back in the States terribly, I submit to what you have for us here. I don't want to be here and not be used. I don't want to wallow in my sorrow any longer. It is not a fun or healthy place to be. I trust that even a couple months from now I will look back at this time I my life and say Praise God for bringing me through that tough time!

Psalm 9:9-10 "The Lord also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in time of trouble, and those who know thy name will put their trust in thee; for thou oh Lord, has not forsaken those who seek Him."

Romans 8:18 "For I consider that the suffering of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."


I know as our home gets finished and we get accustomed to life here, things will start feeling more normal. There is so much culture shock still going on daily. Driving here is crazy, and we actually got in a minor car accident the other day while Brian was driving. We saw favor even in that situation though, as there was no damage on the car that hit us {even though the accident was our fault}, and the man was only concerned that we were ok and didn't even want to exchange phone numbers or anything. Our friend told us that is not common at all! We have some minimum damage on our car, but nothing that cannot be fixed.
Funny story about things that happen here and we laugh about later. The other night Brian got home from basketball with some other missionary men and it was about 11 at night. We were having a serious conversation as I was upset and missing home, and praying together. All of a sudden it sounded like someone threw a baseball as hard as they could right at us in our guest house we are staying in. It startled both Brian and I very much and we both became very nervous, as no one else should have been on the property at night. Brian jumped up and grabbed his knife and called Peter {our friend we are staying with right now} to see what he should do. Then I got a text from Mary {Peter's wife} saying a mango had just fallen on our roof and that was the sound. Brian and I got a good laugh about it. Small things that if you don't know can startle you, but then once explained are no big deal. I have a lot of those stories.  :) :)
Well... if you made it through this entire post GOOD JOB! We love you all and are so thankful for your prayers and encouragement! Much love from Tanzania!!