Next week my baby turns one. I have so much I want to write and as the thoughts fill my head the tears fall quickly. I don't even know where to start as I write this but my heart so longs to communicate what it is feeling and I pray a glimpse into my life at this moment will bring strength and courage to someone needing it.

Leaving our daughter back in Africa for four months while I packed up the rest of our family to come back to the States was almost the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The only thing that has been harder was convincing my heart that God was still just as good and still in control. A couple of weeks before we came back tot he States we were at church singing a song and the words were " You are always good, always good, always good, always good, always good, always good you are a good good God!" Singing these words I became overwhelmed by the presence of God as if He was literally wrapping Himself around me whispering in my ear that He was still good indeed. I knew this truth but was in need of a reminder. :) I felt Emmersyn ( our seven year old daughter was is especially close to Kamila ) grab my back and I could tell she was crying. I took her to the back and just held her and let her cry. I asked her why she was crying and she said she didn't know why, but I knew. She needed to be reminded as well that her God was still good even when things didn't make sense and her heart was so hurt. He was filling her with peace and bringing her comfort like only He can.

We fought for Kamila to be able to come home with us, HARD. People ( in love ) would tell me to just trust God. He was in control and could move any mountain. So when we finally realized she would for sure not be able to come home with us I felt as if my faith had failed. If I would have just believed a little harder, had a little more faith, prayed a little more fervently....then maybe she would have been able to come with us. God has used this extremely painful situation to teach me so much. He IS in control. He COULD HAVE moved this mountain if He has seen fit (this was especially hard for me to process through). I began caring too much what people would think of us leaving our daughter and letting hear and emotions begin controlling my decisions, instead of being led by the Holy Spirit. Brian and I did not take Kamila Love into our family lightly. We sought the Lord and heard very clearly that she IS our daughter. I loved that little girl with every ounce I had to give for six months and then had to leave her.

And now she is turning one. And calling another woman ( who happens to be one of my best friends in the whole world ) "mama" and not me. And more than likely will not remember me when I smother her in kisses when I see her next month. And has totally transformed into a big girl who talks up a storm, eats whole bananas, and brings light and joy everywhere she is...without me witnessing any of it. And you know what? That is OK. As I sit here with tear stained cheeks longing to hold my sweet (almost) one year old daughter in my arms I am also full of peace. All because my Father is the Prince of Peace. I always knew but have come to realize on a much deeper level that my children are not my own. They are precious amazing gifts from God that He has entrusted me with on this Earth, but ultimately they are His. He loves them more than I can fathom. He knew our family would be separated these four months when we took Kamila in and He knows she will be fine when we are all reunited. Of course there will be a transition but I fully believe God's grace will cover it all. My heart literally feels like it is going to burst at times when I think about our daughter that is waiting for us at home. How lucky our family is to have her a part of it, all the she brings into our lives. Even from halfway around the world she brings us joy joy joy and fills our hearts with love. Her life is going to (and already is!) touch and change so many, and we get a front row seat.

So on her birthday next week I will let the tears fall. We will bake her a cake and celebrate the glorious day she was brought into this world even though we may not physically be with her. And when we return home a couple weeks later we will celebrate her life with our family and friends in Tanzania. We will thank God for her life because "every good and perfect gift is from above".

{{Side note! HUUUUUUGE shout out to our dear friends Vicki and Vince for raising our Kamila while we are gone. God could not have given us a more perfect fit for Kamila (or us!!) and we have such peace knowing that she is with them being loved so well. HUGE blessing!! }}

Two things I wanted to write down so I don't forget later on in life......

!.  Last week I felt like the Lord gave me the name Pearl. I was thinking about if the next child we adopt is a girl what her middle name would be since we kind of have a theme going with the girls already, whose middle names are Grace, Joy, Praise, and Love. Then I heard Pearl and was super excited because I loved it! I told a couple of my friends later that day I thought we may adopt a girl next because I felt like God had given me this name of Pearl.
I had the amazing experience of being with one of the women from our ladies home all day during her labor and birth. It was such a precious time with Jackie and really strengthened our relationship. I have always wanted to be at a birth and this was my first time. It was a crazy experience all around and for sure one I will never forget. Huge honor. I was told the next day that Jackie wanted me to name her baby. How sweet!! Talk about a lot of pressure though! I love naming our babies but naming someone else's child? What if she didn't like the name? I knew she wouldn't tell me if she didn't and then she would be stuck with this name forever. Then I remember the name Pearl, and immediately knew that was the baby's name. I am blown away that God spoke to me days before the sweet baby was even born and obviously before I could have known I would have been naming her, and whispered her name into my heart. I explained the name to Jackie and about the parable of the pearl of great price in the Bible and she loved it. So now we have a sweet baby girl named Pearl

 

2. Brian went today to find Kamia's grandfather in their village today because we need his fingerprint on some paperwork for Kamila's passport. When he got their he was surprised and very excited to be able to meet Kamila's bio mom. We have wanted to meet her ever since we first met Kamila but never knew if the chance would come. Today it came and we are so thankful. Brian got to see this part of our daughter's life that we didn't know much of before. He got to hug her bio mom and sit and answer other family members questions about Kamila. We plan on going out to their village as a family before we leave on furlough. We absolutely love Kamila's bio family and are so thankful they are a part of our lives. We feel this is a huge gift for Kamila, especially as she gest older and will have questions. She has so many people who adore her and want what is best for her.

 

This is Kamila's Uncle and Aunt in these pictures. They cared for her the first couple of months of her life and love her so much. They are precious to us and we consider them our family.

I have always known I wanted to adopt. Honestly, as far back as I can remember I have dreamed of adopting children from Africa. Funny though, I never thought I would be actually living in Africa when that time came.
I will never forget getting the email about Kamila. My parents were here visiting and we were playing cards at the dinner table. I got up to check my Facebook and there was an email from my friend who ran the baby home Kamila was at. I remember getting overly excited and telling Brian and my parents about it. I remember wondering what it would be like when I saw this sweet baby girls face, would it be instant love? Could it be this was our daughter?

 

This was the first picture I saw of our Kamila. I will be honest with you, when I saw it I didn't have that "feeling" I was hoping to get. I remember staring and staring as if I was waiting for this little baby on the screen to give me a sign. So Brian and I prayed and prayed and both felt God confirming in our hearts this was our little girl.

 

We watched our precious girl grow through pictures on the screen from my sweet friend who was caring for her. It was a difficult time because she was only physically an hour and a half drive from us but even so we weren't able to make that trip often. We met some of her family and then waited to hear if they "approved" of our family and us being the adoptive family. I will also never forget the moment I got the message from my friend telling me congratulations and we had another daughter. I started sobbing tears of joy. Our dream of adoption was coming true after so many years!

 

 

The day we went and picked Kamila up from the baby home nothing went right. It was a very stressful day but in the end we had our daughter and were overjoyed! When we got home though that joy turned to panic pretty quickly. Kamila started screaming and didn't stop. I had honestly never seen a baby scream as loudly or as passionately as she was. Finally after a couple of hours she fell asleep for the night. I remember staring at her as she slept so peacefully and being so nervous about how the night would go. For the next few weeks that was my life. Screaming child with a panicking Mommy trying to calm her down. I remember one day looking at Brian and with tears in  my eyes telling him I was pretty sure she hated me. I can laugh at that now, but in that moment I really felt that.

 

 

I remember talking with a  new friend who was also in the process of adopting a child in Tanzania. She told me when they first got their son he screamed all day every day as well and that one day he just stopped. Her telling me that gave me so much hope that maybe that would happen for us. A couple of my dear sisters here got together one morning with Brian and I to pray over Kamila and her past. It was an incredible time and I know the Lord used that time to bring great healing to Kamila's little heart. Gradually the crying and screaming became replaced with giggles and snuggles. It was an incredible transformation to watch unfold! God is always so faithful!

 

 

 

I have watched in amazement as this sweet little girl has accepted me as her Mommy and she has become my daughter. I could stare at her precious face all day long, every single feature to me is perfect. Our Kamila Love is beyond precious. She is loved and cherished. The older four kids absolutely adore her. Through this process I have not only fallen in love with our daughter, I have also fallen in love with the adoption process. I am blown away by what has happened in five short months. This sweet little girl we knew nothing about just a few short months ago, but cannot even imagine our lives without her now. She is fearfully and wonderfully made and God has amazing plans for her life and I am blessed to have a front row seat!

 

 

 

A day in the life of {{Harper Praise}}

Oh, how I love our Harper Praise! She bring so much joy and laughter into our lives every single day. This time of her life has been especially fun as we watch her personality really explode right before our eyes! Last week I took pictures of her throughout the day to try and capture what a day might look like for our feisty little three year old. {.... and yes even though she has on three different outfits this was all the same day.}

 

 

Helping Mommy make some zucchini bread for breakfast.

 

Harper loves Mama Jackson. She was helping clean out the horrible smell in the fridge which was a result of a four day power outage.

 

...... then she moved onto cleaning the cabinets.

 

Next, cleaning her shoes. This was when outfit number two came in because she drenched herself during this process.

 

Playing baby dolls with her older sissy's.

 

Then playing with her real life baby doll, her little sissy. Kamila was having none of it though.

 

This world is not my home.....

Hebrews 13:14 , " For this world is not our home, we are looking forward to our city in heaven, which is yet to come."

When I was in high school I was in a traveling singing group called Sounds of Praise. One of the songs we used to sing had these words, " .. this world is not my home, I am just a passing through. My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue." This song has played in my mind on repeat almost since my feet hit the ground in Tanzania. I have struggled this past fifteen months way more than I would like to admit. I have been surprised at the level of selfishness I have seen come out of my heart at times. I remember reading somewhere that being a missionary is kind of like fasting everything from your old life all at once, and I have to say I agree almost completely with that thought. I have had to lay down idols that I never even knew existed in my life. I have struggled with insecurities that were hidden deep in some secret chamber of my heart that have since been forced out. I have told myself repeatedly that moving back to the States is the answer, then everything will be right and good once again.

Well, we have purchased our tickets for our first furlough home. Initially I was over the moon about it. I would cry literal tears of joy every time I thought about being home with our friends and family, surrounded by all the comforts I knew and loved. As the time gets closer to going home though, new emotions are coming up. A sadness about leaving Tanzania for four months, this place that I am beginning to realize we have new roots at. The other day I asked the kids what they were most excited about doing when we went home. Sophee was very confused and asked me what I meant, that we were already home. God really used that moment to show me that Tanzania is "home" to our family for this season. This honestly doesn't sit well with me at times though. How can this place where I feel like such an outsider all the time be home? A place where no matter where I am my skin will always set me apart from the group no matter how long we are here? And yet we are going back to America soon, our other "home", and I am nervous about not fitting in there either. What will it be like when we go back? Time has passed there too, peoples lives have changed and we haven't been there to see it/ Will we fit right back in, or will it be awkward? Will it really feel like "home" when a chunk of our hearts are in Tanzania now as well?

Then I am reminded time and time again that this world is not our home. I have a deeper understanding of this verse than ever before, I feel. I look forward with such great anticipation to the day when I will be in Heaven, and will feel at peace and rest completely. Until then, I will joyfully enjoy both homes we have here on Earth. I will choose to see it as a blessing that we have amazing friends and family in two places and that we get to see God working among two different nations.

Let me tell you about my{{ BeSt FrIeNd}}

These past couple of weeks have been super emotional for me. I have burst into tears too many times to count just at the thought of my best friend in the States and her precious family. A week from Friday their family will be legally adopting their two sweet, precious, amazing, adorable children. I dream of being able to be home for the adoption { literally, I have dreamt about it every night for the past eight days } and if we had the money for me to fly home I would be there in a heartbeat, like tomorrow. I am still holding out a glimmer of hope that God will move a mountain and somehow it will be able to happen, but if it doesn't then I figured the next best thing would be to pay my best friend a little tribute on the good ole blog.

Amanda,
You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my entire life. You are faithful, gentle, loving, full of grace, patient, so kind, loyal, and so much more. I admire you and watching you walk out your life with such surrender to God gives me such encouragement in my own life. I have watched you enter new and sometimes scary territories with doing foster care, and have seen you and Andy thrive and build a precious family all because you were both willing to take a step of faith and trust God with your lives and futures. You {and Andy!} are the most loyal friends in the world. You are always willing to help Brian and I out, whether it be sitting on your kitchen floor with fifty pounds of raw chicken needing to be made for VBS, painting the outside of our house in the FREEZING cold, moving from our house to our mobile home, our mobile home to my parents house, and the grand finale of packing into the morning hours for our move to Africa, Brian and I always know you both are there whenever and for whatever we need. You are so much more than just a friend, you are truly my sister. I know the relationship between our families is a unique and very special bond. Two families that are more like one big happy family, the Louderyes. :) Thank you for always being just a phone call away and listening to every one of my silly little problems like what I was going through was the most important thing in the world. I miss game nights, park dates, Papa Murphy's BBQ chicken pizza, late night runs to DQ and Casey's, doing garage sales together, watching our kids play together, and so much more. I am so blessed to have you as my sister. I can not ever express how proud of you I am. I miss you every day. I am so incredibly happy for your family and cannot wait to see pictures from the adoption. I remember the night B and G came to your house, and look at them now. They are thriving, loved, happy, beautiful children! I love you and can't wait to see you again!!

One Year Later AND Glory update.

Wow. Although it has been the hardest year of my life, I made it. It has been a year full of tears, growing, God's amazing grace, small victories, and watching God's mighty plan unfold right before my eyes. He has literally turned my mourning into dancing and turned my sorrow into joy. His ways our so much higher than our ways. I have seen it time and time again. Looking back over the year my heart is so full of thankfulness for where we are, and that this is the life we get to live. I remember when we first moved here and were living with our friends before our house was ready. They ate Tanzanian for lunch every day and I remember how terrified I and my kids were of the food. We would not touch it, let alone take a bite of it. Now I laugh looking back at that. My kids and I are now eating Tanzanian food every day. I know to some that may not seem huge, but trust me, it is! I also laugh looking back at the first time we went on a walk with the kids on the dirt roads here. We were all literally tripping all over ourselves, and the kids all had scraped up knees and tears by the time we were done. I used to not be able to breath when Brian was driving us around town I was so nervous, and when we went by the police check stations I thought I would pass out from fear. The unknown of our everyday lives was just too much for me to handle most days.
I am not the person I was when I stepped off the plane a year ago. It is very hard to describe the change that has occurred in me. I feel stronger, yet am more aware of my weakness apart from Christ than ever before. As I deal with the heartache of living away from family and friends, deal with culture shock daily, and just all the small details and hardships of living in a third world country, I cannot help but fall more in love with Christ as I lean on Him alone to lead me.
This month alone has been so full of opportunities to trust Him with every situation and have joy all the while, even when I cannot see what the next step is. An example of this would be concerning our Glory girl. Glory is the precious baby girl we met when we first came to Tanzania last year that both Brian and I fell in love with instantly. This past year we have taken the trip to visit her multiple times, watching her grow up and taking any chance we get to spend time with her. We have wanted to adopt her from the moment we laid eyes on her, and have fought an uphill battle to pursue this. Recently we found her birth mother and set up a time to meet with her and her grandmother. There is a major background to this story that I won't go into details about, but trust me when I say it has been an emotional ride with many ups and downs, tears and confusion. At our meeting with them we found out that Glory's bio mom was in an abusive situation and needed help. They were very excited about us wanting to adopt Glory, but b/c of the background we could not just go and sign rights over without first getting her cleared through the police. Brian and I cried with her and told her that we would pray about how we could help, although at the time were unsure of what to do. On the hour and a half ride home from that meeting I cried the whole way, deep cries from my heart. Even though this woman had made some horrible decisions that could cause me to resent her, I was overflowing with compassion for her and her situation. I also cried as I felt the Lord begin to prepare my heart for what could happen. What if we did help her bio mom get out of this horrible situation and she decided she wanted Glory back? Would I be able to handle this? Would I still help this woman? Did I love Glory enough to lay down what I wanted for what is best for her? I cried and cried as I knew that we loved her enough and no matter what, we wanted what was best for her.
A couple of weeks later (which was just this weekend) we were back in Arusha so that our family in town could meet Glory. We went and they met her and of course fell right in love with her. While at the baby home she is at we talked with the social worker who told us that her bio mom was in major distress, and the situation had worsened. We decided right then to call her and go pick her up and bring her home with us. So we did. When we went to meet her she also had her mother with her. Surprises like this are a very common thing in our lives here. :)
So we all piled into our car and started the trip home, on the way picking up one of my dear friends to help translate for us. That night I made them both dinner (which they told me they never were allowed to eat lunch or dinner where they were before, and I believe them after watching them eat that meal) and we sat down and had a good conversation with both women. They expressed such thankfulness for us coming to get them, and wondered how did we know that they had been praying for so long for someone to save them from the situation they were in? During the conversation with them {through my friend translating} I heard something that didn't settle well with me. So I had my friend ask Glory's bio mom if she was wanting to keep her now? She told us yes, she was wanting to keep Glory. I had to excuse myself from the table and went into the bathroom and cried. My friend who had been translating came and hugged me and we cried together. My fears of what could happen were coming true. Don't get me wrong, I was not mad at her at all, my heart was just breaking. We have gotten so attached to Glory and love her with such a deep love, as if she is already ours. So after our talk we took them to a hostel down the road from us to stay for the next couple of nights. The next step is to meet with our Pastor here to see how we can help get everything worked out with her bio mom and where we go from here. This morning we picked them up for church and during worship I just stared at her bio mom and wept. I am so full of love for her, I know it has to be from God. I have no clue what will unfold in the near future concerning all of this, but I have such an overwhelming peace that God is in control and will work all things for His good, and I choose to praise Him through it all. Whether we have the incredible blessing of adding Glory to our family or her rejoining her bio family and helping them to flourish as a family, it will all be worth it. Right now this is what stopping for the one looks like for us, and I am so thankful it is our Glory girl.

A bunch of randomness......

My mind is not functioning right now at it's fullest level, but I just wanted to jot down a few things so I will always remember these small glimpses into this season of our lives.


* We have some mango trees in our backyard that our producing a ton of mangos right now. So much that our workers take some home with them every day, I have been chopping up and freezing a bunch for smoothies, the girls eat them like crazy, and our friends come over and fill up buckets to bring home with them. Even as I am typing I can hear some of the mangos dropping onto the ground.

*One of our biggest goals for the new year is to be much better at communicating with our supporters at home. We have set the goal of getting a newsletter out every six weeks, and so far are sticking to it! :)

*We are gearing up for a three day conference in an amazing church in the village this weekend. It is going to be incredible, we are so excited to see what God has in store!

*Next month will mark our one year of moving to Tanzania. This is very odd to me as some days it feels like we have been here ten years, and other days it feels like I should wake up back in Iowa. The days of just packing the kids in the car and driving to Target seem like a lifetime ago.

*My mother-in-law, father-in-law, and sister-in-law will be here in less than a month!!! We are so excited for them to be here!!!

*Being an adult is hard sometimes, and sometimes I make mistakes. I am so thankful we are surrounded by such amazing, loving people who are full of God's grace.

*Tomorrow is one week with our precious Kamila Love. Kamila means "perfect" and we thought the name "perfect love" was just right for her. Whenever I say her name I am reminded of the Bible speaking about perfect love casting out all fear. She is such a fun, sweet, giggly baby.

*Everyone is asking us how Harper Praise is handling not being the baby anymore. She is doing incredible. It is as though she literally grew up over night once we got Kamila. She loves her role of big sister and tells us often that she is a big kid now. Harper is talking like crazy and so full of life and love.

*Last night at two in the morning I was up with Kamila. I had just fed her and had her laying on our bed, changing her diaper. I had just put a good amount of diaper cream on my hand and the power went out. When the power goes out here it is pitch black, like throw your senses off for a minute dark. I couldn't grab a flashlight b/c I had a hand full of diaper rash cream, luckily Brian was quick on his feet to action.

*We have two toilets in our house. The one nearest our room we cannot use at night because it becomes overtaken my massively huge ants. A couple of nights ago I counted twenty of them in there. Some times it catches me off guard that this is normal to me now. :)

*Today at school Sophee's teacher asked all the kids what the hardest part about being a kid is. Her response was "keeping the mosquitos away from her new baby sister." Poor girl, we are working her too hard obviously. :)